I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Sponge bath it is.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
