I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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