I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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