ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
