I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
