3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
