So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
