non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
