I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
