Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
