I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
