I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
