I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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