she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
