She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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