I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The Olympian is in my bed
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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