That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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