This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
