Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
