Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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