I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
