dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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