I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
