No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
