I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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