remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
