I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
