Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've blown a few things in my day
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
