you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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