When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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