My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
