she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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