This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
