There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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