Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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