He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
