Betty ford says i'm here all night
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
