i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
