I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
