I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
