what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
