Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
