I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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