I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
That's intense
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
