I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
