i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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