Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is it because I queefed?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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