i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
