Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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