Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Please don't give away my fajitas
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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